Thunderstorms and theater and NYC, because I can't blog on just one topic.

I was always the token kid who sobbed through thunderstorms. I was at a Girl Scout overnighter an hour away and actually made my mom come pick me up because I could hear it storming. I left sleepovers all the time if it stormed. The hottest summer night saw me burrowed under piles of blankets at the very first crack of thunder.

That fear has since translated into straight fascination, thankfully.

I'm still deathly afraid of them, however. I think all of the things you do in life, the things that you really love, should scare you a little. The adrenaline that comes with just a little bit of uneasiness makes things come off as so much more rewarding, right? It's why I kept coming back to theater. Those first auditions I went through were terrible and quite honestly, I wouldn't have cast myself if I was the one in that position. But, god, the rush of opening night, especially the first few... nothing will ever compare to that feeling.

Not going all scientific on this blog (LOL IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE I KNOW LITERALLY NOTHING ABOUT SCIENCE THINGS), but I know that there's a gene or whatever in our brains that makes us thrill-seekers, to varying extents. I'm not big on roller coasters or thrill rides, but I love that rush that I talked about in a previous post, the one that comes right before a perfomance begins. Like I said in that post, more than half of that is straight-up fear that I am going to fall flat on my face as soon as the show starts. Eh, it's happened before.

This whole feeling also ties into my doing everything I can to avoid settling here in Erie. It'd be the easy thing to do. I have a comfortable job, my living situation isn't bad and I have a great support system of friends and the theater community. But... NYC looming in my future is deliciously terrifying. Sure, I know a lot of people in the city and know the basics I'll need to for day-to-day life. I'm also lucky enough to have a job that will allow me to move, instead of just winging it when I get out there. Regardless, the anxiety dreams I have over things that I won't even need to worry about for a year and a half are out of control.

I love them.

I love the thunderstorm that is currently rattling my windows. I love having something to worry about. I love the relief when the storm passes and the world is shiny and new.