I know that over the last year or so, I have made decisions that have hurt people around me. I know that friendships have changed or ended, and that those situations were almost entirely due to me. I knew that while all of it was going on and, quite honestly, I do not regret one decision.
For the first time in my life, I can confidently say that I am happy.
I'm not talking about the wonderful, euphoric feeling that accompanied every praise band concert and party and night out. Those memories are so beautiful and I know that I would not have gotten through the last eight years without them.
The happiness that I am experiencing right now, though, is deeper and more grounded than that.
There's also sadness blended with the happiness, which I've found to be important and a blessing. My life has not been easy so far. I was ridiculed in grade school, unpopular in high school and then had my world turned upside down in college. I've had financial issues, my extended family has all but fallen apart and I've watched so many people around me face pain and suffering.
And, even with all of that against me... I've been able to keep going. I can't take that fact lightly because, quite frankly, it would have been so easy, so many times, for me to have called it quits and given up. Instead, I allowed myself to grow comfortable. I was coasting along in my faith and not giving any room for myself to struggle and admit weakness. It's so much easier to do that.
The last six or so months have been a different sort of struggle, however. Things in my day-to-day life have all but fallen into place. I have a reliable job with coworkers I like. I spend the rest of my time with a theater group and youth group full of really awesome, talented people. There are so many things to keep me busy and happy. But, truthfully, I've been so genuinely unhappy underneath the surface.
Until a very important friend had a conversion experience. And I saw in him the exact pain I've been carrying. And I was able to have conversations with him that I've never been able to have with other people. And, because of him, I became more aware of my own faith journey and how poorly neglected it had become. I was letting my faith sit on a back burner because, in my head, it had gotten me to where I needed to be - a comfy job and cool people around me. And I didn't realize it until this weekend, but doing that was slowly eating away at me.
The changes I've made in my life over the past year were all the necessary steps I had to take to get to where I am tonight. I had been going through the motions those last few months that I was in the praise band and that was wrecking me, which I haven't been able to realize until now. It's why I had to quit. It's why I had to give everything I had in me to the theater kids. If I hadn't, they wouldn't have opened up to me and, in turn, I wouldn't have been able to learn all this about myself.
I'm still not entirely sure what my true purpose is in the great scheme of things. I've always gravitated toward written word and have been encouraged again and again to write my story so that maybe, someone else who is struggling will be able to relate and find someone to guide them through everything. If there's one thing I know for sure, it's that I can't do this alone. Hopefully, this blog will allow me to begin to accomplish something like that.
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