A very serious, open, honest look into my faith life. Just... I'm happy. Finally.

I know that over the last year or so, I have made decisions that have hurt people around me. I know that friendships have changed or ended, and that those situations were almost entirely due to me. I knew that while all of it was going on and, quite honestly, I do not regret one decision.

For the first time in my life, I can confidently say that I am happy.

I'm not talking about the wonderful, euphoric feeling that accompanied every praise band concert and party and night out. Those memories are so beautiful and I know that I would not have gotten through the last eight years without them.

The happiness that I am experiencing right now, though, is deeper and more grounded than that.

There's also sadness blended with the happiness, which I've found to be important and a blessing. My life has not been easy so far. I was ridiculed in grade school, unpopular in high school and then had my world turned upside down in college. I've had financial issues, my extended family has all but fallen apart and I've watched so many people around me face pain and suffering.

And, even with all of that against me... I've been able to keep going. I can't take that fact lightly because, quite frankly, it would have been so easy, so many times, for me to have called it quits and given up. Instead, I allowed myself to grow comfortable. I was coasting along in my faith and not giving any room for myself to struggle and admit weakness. It's so much easier to do that.

The last six or so months have been a different sort of struggle, however. Things in my day-to-day life have all but fallen into place. I have a reliable job with coworkers I like. I spend the rest of my time with a theater group and youth group full of really awesome, talented people. There are so many things to keep me busy and happy. But, truthfully, I've been so genuinely unhappy underneath the surface.

Until a very important friend had a conversion experience. And I saw in him the exact pain I've been carrying. And I was able to have conversations with him that I've never been able to have with other people. And, because of him, I became more aware of my own faith journey and how poorly neglected it had become. I was letting my faith sit on a back burner because, in my head, it had gotten me to where I needed to be - a comfy job and cool people around me. And I didn't realize it until this weekend, but doing that was slowly eating away at me.

The changes I've made in my life over the past year were all the necessary steps I had to take to get to where I am tonight. I had been going through the motions those last few months that I was in the praise band and that was wrecking me, which I haven't been able to realize until now. It's why I had to quit. It's why I had to give everything I had in me to the theater kids. If I hadn't, they wouldn't have opened up to me and, in turn, I wouldn't have been able to learn all this about myself.

I'm still not entirely sure what my true purpose is in the great scheme of things. I've always gravitated toward written word and have been encouraged again and again to write my story so that maybe, someone else who is struggling will be able to relate and find someone to guide them through everything. If there's one thing I know for sure, it's that I can't do this alone. Hopefully, this blog will allow me to begin to accomplish something like that.

Thunderstorms and theater and NYC, because I can't blog on just one topic.

I was always the token kid who sobbed through thunderstorms. I was at a Girl Scout overnighter an hour away and actually made my mom come pick me up because I could hear it storming. I left sleepovers all the time if it stormed. The hottest summer night saw me burrowed under piles of blankets at the very first crack of thunder.

That fear has since translated into straight fascination, thankfully.

I'm still deathly afraid of them, however. I think all of the things you do in life, the things that you really love, should scare you a little. The adrenaline that comes with just a little bit of uneasiness makes things come off as so much more rewarding, right? It's why I kept coming back to theater. Those first auditions I went through were terrible and quite honestly, I wouldn't have cast myself if I was the one in that position. But, god, the rush of opening night, especially the first few... nothing will ever compare to that feeling.

Not going all scientific on this blog (LOL IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE I KNOW LITERALLY NOTHING ABOUT SCIENCE THINGS), but I know that there's a gene or whatever in our brains that makes us thrill-seekers, to varying extents. I'm not big on roller coasters or thrill rides, but I love that rush that I talked about in a previous post, the one that comes right before a perfomance begins. Like I said in that post, more than half of that is straight-up fear that I am going to fall flat on my face as soon as the show starts. Eh, it's happened before.

This whole feeling also ties into my doing everything I can to avoid settling here in Erie. It'd be the easy thing to do. I have a comfortable job, my living situation isn't bad and I have a great support system of friends and the theater community. But... NYC looming in my future is deliciously terrifying. Sure, I know a lot of people in the city and know the basics I'll need to for day-to-day life. I'm also lucky enough to have a job that will allow me to move, instead of just winging it when I get out there. Regardless, the anxiety dreams I have over things that I won't even need to worry about for a year and a half are out of control.

I love them.

I love the thunderstorm that is currently rattling my windows. I love having something to worry about. I love the relief when the storm passes and the world is shiny and new.