In which I attempt to give the universe a pep talk.

I was going to write about September 11 today.

I actually have a post half-finished in my drafts that I started on Sunday and intended to complete today with some grand emotional flourish that would set it apart from the mountains of other 9/11 posts that are flooding the internet. But then, Chris Gethard posted this response to an anonymous question, and, after bursting into tears in my work parking lot, I drove home with a different blog post filling my head. It's actually a post idea I had been mulling over for a few weeks now, but Chris' amazing words (seriously, go read that post -- and his book!) sparked something in me.

It's funny that I was thinking about this blog post on my way home from work, because that's a big basis for a lot of what I'm going to get out here. My job is not glamorous. In ANY way. A typical day's uniform is grungy sneakers, shitty khaki shorts from WalMart and a blue t-shirt that's two sizes too big (and balloons out around my hips for whatever awkward reason?). It's also a job that has literally nothing to do with my hard-earned degree. I make barely enough from paycheck to paycheck to pay for said degree. I, once again, have no idea what I'm going to do for income when the season ends and we shut down for three months. A lot of the time, I find myself on auto-pilot, telling the same old customers the same old speech about when memberships go on sale or why the train is closed.

But then, when I sit back and think about it... I realize that I am pretty damn lucky.

I'm healthy, for starters. I'm lucky enough to come from a family that doesn't have too many inherited health conditions and my grandma on my dad's side is in her 90s and still kickin', all things considered. Even if it's not what I dreamed of when I was in grade school, I have a job. It's not much and it's not perfect, but it's a job in an economy that blows. While I know that I belong in New York City and my dream is to fly through UCB and get on Saturday Night Live, and that my current money and family and career situation isn't exactly conducive to that... I have some little glimmers of hope that I could actually make at least some of that a reality for myself sometime before I beat Darrell Hammond for the title of oldest cast member ever. I have a family that has supported me through 15 years of theater and praise band concerts. I have groups of friends that could not be more different but all bring joy and laughter and support into my life.

I'm not writing this blog post to say "Wow! Look at all the awesome things I've got!" (even though that felt really good and honestly, you guys should all do that sometime). I'm hoping to put some of my life into perspective for anyone out there who needs it.

More and more often, I see people complaining about EVERYTHING. If I'm not actively participating in the rant, I have almost definitely tuned you out and am instead going over some scene changes or old SNL sketches in my head. I'm not trying to say I'm holier than all thou complainers out there. I spent the majority of this summer ranting about work -- when I was at work, at home, at breakfast after church, wherever. Stuff pisses me off ALL THE TIME and if you follow me on Twitter, you get a good taste of that.

I'm also not trying to downplay depression and other mental things out of your immediate control that definitely make it harder to see the positive in everyday situations. I've found myself in really low places so many times before, and I know all to well that feeling of never finding something worth going on for. I felt that WAY more often than I have let on, from 4th grade on, though it is less often now.

What I've wanted to scream SO many times in the past year, to real life friends, complete strangers on the internet and everyone in-between, is just to be HAPPY for once. I'm not talking, let's go skipping through the world with irresponsible optimism. That won't get you anywhere and you'll just be disappointed far more than you'd like.

I'm not in a situation that I picked for myself. I'm also not in a position to make huge changes for myself yet. So... what good would complaining do? It's a weird line that's straddled over complacency and settling, which is the absolute last thing I plan on doing. I'm not content right now, but I'm also not miserable.

That's important, and I think it's something that everyone forgets quite often.

We're not miserable all the time.

Feeling miserable and hopeless? It sucks. And while it's going on, it feels like it's never-ending. But even when I am in the shittiest of moods... it usually only lasts, at most, an evening. It might creep into the next morning but something else will happen. A coworker will give a snarky observation. My dog will look at me with her bottom teeth hanging out. And, as much as the cynic in me will try to fight it... I let myself break out of the bad mood. I shut off the inner monologue of "My job sucks, my life sucks, this sucks." I find something worth getting excited about. Sometimes, it's huge and truly exciting -- I'm STILL hanging onto the happiness that I felt at my first UCB show. Usually, though, it's one of those tiny things that doesn't seem like much on its own, but when you look back, you remember as the details that make relationships and memories what they are. Maybe I put too much into those little things. I know that I get too attached, to a fault -- to the casts I work with, to TV shows I watch, to all sorts of things and people. But that attachment to something not miserable is what keeps me going.

That's my wish for people. I just want everyone to be able to find SOMETHING, anything, that gives them a little bit of hope and that edge they need to not become a complete cynic. This could get really corny really quickly, but it's a risk I'm willing to take. Just... find a TV show or a song or a person that makes you feel something even a little positive and latch onto it. Try to take some of the time you would ordinarily spend complaining and spend it instead by complimenting someone. Appreciate the fact that you're still alive, you're at least moderately healthy and you at least have enough money to have an internet connection. Write a silly blog post to attempt to get your feelings out.

And for Christ's sake, stop complaining. :)