Earlier this week, over on Tumblr, I was asked where I saw myself in five years. After giving that response -- living in a studio apartment in NYC because even though I'll hopefully be able to afford bigger, I'll be throwing all my money into classes at UCB -- I was asked why I didn't see marriage or children in my future. I explained my answer on Tumblr but since this is my real blog, I figured I'd elaborate here because I do what I want.
I spend a lot of time with children. I always have. Volunteering at church pretty much guarantees that 99% of your time is full of JESUS LOVES ME THIS I KNOW and the like. Plus, almost every customer I interact with at work is under the age of 12. I don't dislike children and I can't tell you how many times I've stopped everything at my cash register because a cute little infant's eyes are making me melt. But... that's it. That's the extent of my maternal instinct.
"HAHAHA. Just you wait, Meredith. I'll remind you of this conversation when I get the invitation to your first baby shower!"
If I had a dime for every time I shook my head at that response... I'd already be living in that NYC studio. I'm in my mid-20s. This isn't some fleeting thought that seemed cool at the time. I've been of the child-rearing age for, like, 10 years now (wh...), and I've known this about myself for just as long. Believe me, I'm aware that for every person who just naturally oozes that maternal instinct, there is someone who, when they are there in the maternity ward, suddenly become mother of the year. And... I am neither woman. Don't get me wrong -- I think it's completely admirable for a woman to either devote herself to the challenges of motherhood or take them on while maintaining an ordinary job. Both routes take an insane amount of dedication that I can't picture many men competently handling.
But when I sit back and look at myself? At all of my ambitions and goals and the little quirks that make me who I am? Being a mother is nowhere in that. That bit of knowledge is, quite frankly, the ONLY bit of my future that I am 100% certain about. I take a great deal of comfort in that since so much of my future is entirely up in the air. Obviously, I see myself in New York City, but wanting a job on SNL is so outlandish and based so solely on chance that I've had to get used to living my life by the seat of my (currently, purple floral print) pants. Knowing one thing about my future is what keeps me sane when I spend most of my time in my head wondering if today will be the day I find the job that will take me to NYC.
And then... there's the (lack of a) husband thing.
I know that my whole never-wanting-to-be-a-mother definitely turns away several guys, right off the bat. While I am completely okay with random hook-ups and weird nights that can only be excused by the fact that I'm a 20-something, the flip side there is that I AM a 20-something and, at least in this suburban nightmare that I call home, ladies my age are expected to be settling down right about now. I can't keep track of how many former classmates I see at work, with two, three kids listed on their family zoo memberships.
I'm fairly certain that at least half of this ~realization about myself~ has been caused by all that ~uncertainty about my future~ (SQUIGGLES). I had to end my healthiest relationship because of uncertainty. Granted, we were young (so we set the world on fiyah), but I knew in my gut that because I had no idea where I saw myself professionally and as a person in five years, there was no way I could string a man along and be content with myself.
Maybe, when I finally find myself in New York, I'll find a man who is as into comedy as I am (I cancel plans around SNL, guys) and who doesn't want children and will just be happy with me and all my weird commitment issues and flaws. I mean... in addition to watching so many relationships fail around me, I've watched countless friends entirely lose the very essences of who they are, just to fit into a romance. I'm not saying I'm perfect and that I haven't changed myself for a guy, but each time, when I finally came to my senses, I was able to get back to myself and my priorities and the things that make me who I am. I know, I know... when I find that guy that doesn't make me change who I am, I'll be taking back this entire post and I'll be happy. I've heard that a million times, guys.
But... there's a really big, brassy part of me that doesn't want to find that guy. I've always been a horrifically logical person. Being an only child set me up for lots of evenings full of getting lost in my own mind. While that's typically a really dark, dangerous place that leads to a lot of angsty nights that even Prisoner of Azkaban-era Harry Potter would be ashamed of, it's also shed some really helpful insights on who I am.
Although I lack self-confidence far more often than I'd like to let on, I am a fiercely independent woman. While there is a part of me that loves when a guy opens a door for me and all those other romantic cliches... most of me hates them, I'm not a bra-burning feminist by ANY means but... I'm not helpless. When I'm in the moment, I can let myself go, but when it comes down to it, I do not let myself get swept off my feet. I'm entirely aware that this can be a fault VERY easily but I'm feeling comfortable with myself tonight, so... it's a good thing. I like being able to keep my head on my shoulders. I like who I am when I have my head on my shoulders instead of in the clouds. I like being able to put a reason behind my feelings and actions, instead of letting instinct take control.
Watch, hoards of replies will come to this post, from tons of guys who have quietly admired me from the sidelines but have always been too afraid to make a move on such a fierce lady.
Until then... I'm going to enjoy my Friday night ritual of beer and pizza at my favorite coffeeshop, by myself. I like being a single lady. I'm... NOT going to break into a Beyonce chorus right now.
:)
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